I'll take skin cancer for 1, please

I'm burned.  BURNT.  Crispy.  Well done.    However you'd like to put it,  I'm it.

Somehow, my knees manage to avoid the flamethrower we call the sun.  I'm not sure how that happened, but when my partial thickness injury turns to a golden brown, those white spots are going to be HOT.   I cant wait to hear the "on your knees" jokes.

Working nights has the benefit of allowing you to have every day off.   Most of the time, it's for sleep.  Sometimes its to run errands that can only be done when normal people function i.e, grocery shopping, Dr's appointments, and the bank.  But, in the summer, it's for the beach.  Work til 7am, beach by 9, home by 4, rinse, repeat.  Its a wonderful thing.

Tuesday I arrived at the beach at 830.  I walked 4 miles down the walking path, which was awesome, then was on the beach by 930.  I called Mija and she said she was on her way.  Fab! Company!  I applied some sunscreen, Waterproof SPF 4, and jumped in the water to cool off.  I then proceeded to sleep, face down, til Mija woke me at noon.  And then stayed til 2.  I'm smart. 

I know, I know.  SPF 4?!   My entire life I've never needed anything higher than that.  I'm pretty fair, but in the sun my italian comes out, and I've always handled the sun well.   However, at the ripe old age of 32, during my last summer at the Jersey shore, my skin has given out.  I'm just like every other fair skinned person.  Burned.   Pass the SPF 100, please.

I spent most of today laying in a bathtub of vinegar.  I warned BuddyBuddy about the smell that permeated through the house.  I swear, I wasn't douching all over the house.  It worked pretty well, and I actually felt good for a few hours.

I'm stocked up on SPF 50, aloe, lidocaine gel, and after sun lotion.  I'm ready for you, Sandy Hook!  And as soon as I molt out of this shell, we're having a rematch!

Woe is me

WARNING:  PITY PARTY AHEAD

I know.  I have nothing to whine about.   But, this is my blog and I'll whine if I want to. 

I miss The Boop.  I miss having my husband around everyday, even if it was just to carpool to work.  I miss him scratching my back every morning til I fell asleep.   I miss him coming into the bathroom at the end of my shower, just to hand me my towel.  I just miss him. 

I've been fortunate enough to see him on the weekends, but this weekend is it, unless I go there.  He's just too busy.  I know there are people who have it worse then me, but I didn't sign on for that life.  I married a man who I spent every single day with, both at work and at home.  I married my BFF.  Being apart from him sucks, and I hate it. 

BuddyBuddy is driving me nuts.  I know he doesn't mean to, and I cant imagine how he's feeling, but I'm not adjusting to this roommate business very well.   I'm going to try to have a chat with him this evening.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm just so frustrated.  On a scale of 1-10, my stress level is about 165, and he's not helping. 

The bills are nonstop.  I didn't realize how many we had, until The Boop stopped getting a pay check.  Holy shit.   I have no idea how we're going to stay afloat.  I know talking about finances is sooo tacky, but lets face it;  Ang, you're the only one who reads this and youre my BFF, so this isn't anything you don't already know.  

I'm working 6 days a week, 12 hr days.  I'm exhausted.  I have laundry coming out of my ears, and I'm sleeping an avg of 3hrs a day.   I accept that I have to do this to keep our bills paid while The Boop is in the academy, but I'm really upset that THIS is what my last summer in NJ is going to be.  I should be going to picnics, hanging out with my nephew, making an ass out of my self DTS.....this grown up business is for the birds. 

Ugh, we're 1/4 of the way through.  I just got to keep on trucking. 

</pityparty>

Nervous Nelly

A few things happened on my recent drive down to MD.    This whole driving business is new for me.  Ok, not so new.  I've been driving legally for 15yrs now, and before that I was driving my drunk stepfather home from the bar.   So, almost 20yrs.   I've always loved driving.   Especially when I was a smoker.  Oh man, spring time, windows down, Metallica blasting, smoking a cigarette in my Ford Probe GT.   I was so cool.   Then I started working in EMS.   Now, driving and I are no such good friends anymore. 

Driving my civilian vehicle is completely different then driving my work vehicle.  People drive like such assholes, it really is unbelievable.   Add my ridiculous anxiety that I experience 24/7, and I'm like a chihuahua behind the wheel.  Holding on tight at 10 & 2, checking my mirrors, trying to stay aware of everything on the road....it's exhausting.

Take all of that, and add in the fact that I am deathly afraid of bridges.   I have this fear either A) the bridge will collapse and I will plummet to my death.  Only I wont die on impact, I will drown trying to get out of the car.  And if by some chance I DO get out (always cross a bridge with the windows down for an easy escape) I will either get tangled up in river flora or, I will be blinded by vehicle fuel, and not be able to tell which way to swim, subsequently swimming to my own death;   OR B) there will be a heinous wreck, cars will pile up, and somehow, in a freak accident, my car will suffered a dual smash causing me to go airborne and fly over the side of the bridge, and again, plummeting to my death.   Sounds like a good time, right?   Yeah, well, I drove over the Bay Bridge.

6.9 miles of wide open bridge.  I almost shit my pants.   I knew it was something that probably wasn't in my best interest, but The Boop insisted this route was faster, and more importantly, he was adamant I couldn't do it.   Fuck. You. Guy.   I drove it.   And, I will never, ever do it again. 

The rest of my drive was no where near as exciting, but I did witness a phenomenon I can only describe as Florida rain.  I had never seen it before, though I had heard it happens.  I was driving on one side of the highway, enjoying a beautifully sunny day, while the opposite side of the road was treated to pouring rain and clouds.   I drove along, first amazed that that type of weather really does exist, then I was boasting, 'nanner nanner, I'm in the sun' and that quickly passed when I drove directly into the eye of a hurricane.   Ok, it wasn't really a hurricane, but holy crap was there a lot of rain.  

And finally, I turned 75 somewhere along the trip.   As much as I hate driving, I usually do a good job keeping with the flow of traffic, and I can perform the jersey slide really well.   Not this trip.  Somewhere just before Delaware, I noticed myself in the right lane.  Doing 50mph.  Singing along to DMB.  Chillin.  In a 65mph zone.   I still made it home in less than 4 hrs.  And not a single fuck was given that day. 

Toto, we aren't in Kansas anymore

Whoa!  6 days since I've blogged?!  Sorry, it's been a busy week.  

First, I worked my ass off.  almost 80hrs in 5 days.  This sugar mama business is exhausting. 

Then, The Boop came home.   He met me at our company's annual EMS Appreciation Dinner.   The Boop won Paramedic of the Year! 

Yesterday was our anniversary.  I cannot believe it's been a year.  I can honestly say I love him more now then the day we got married.   We had an awesome dinner at the restaurant he proposed at.  It was so good.  I had steak and what was almost the best dessert I've ever had (the best dessert ever came with a sparkly ring).  The we got to witness one of the most horrific proposals ever.  Seriously.  So, so bad.  

Today, I drove down to the Frat House in MD.   I thought it would be nice of me to make the boys some Sunday sauce.   Big ole pot, with a bunch left over for them to freeze and eat later. 

I just got out of the shower.  And that's really the only reason I even opened my macbook tonight.  This had to be documented.   The shower tried to kill me.  Serious face.  Maybe it was the shower head, maybe its the well water, I don't know.  Either way, I almost died.  

Take a look at the shower, noting its size:

Does this look like a shower large enough to have a dual head shower head?  Cause it has one!!

I turned the water on, waiting for it to warm up, so I can adjust, then I hop in.  At first it was good.  Then I noticed all the water.  Spraying in every fucking direction.  I couldn't get away from it.  One of the jets was assaulting my head, causing shampoo to dive right into my eye.  If you've ever gotten soap in your eyes, while wearing contacts, then you know how soap likes to hang out for a minute. 

As if the water torture wasn't enough, the temperature changed.  One head was scalding hot, and the other ice cold.  By this time I'm plastered against the wall, trying to stay out of the path of the hot water, which I was convinced was being spewed from the mouth of the Devil himself.  At one point i had to check the floor of the shower for my nipple.  I was sure it was either burned off, or it had jumped clear off my tit, trying to save itself.  I tried to grab the knob, but there was no room for error in this tiny closet of hell.  It took 3 attempts.  3 painful attempts.

Finally!!  I reached it.   Ahhhh, thats bett-ICE COLD.  The cold was more tolerable than the hot, but holy crap was it cold.  I turned the knob to the left, like, a centimeter.  And this time I was treated to scalding hot water from BOTH shower heads.  The shampoo sud kamikazes were working over time now.  This was a battle I was losing.   I had to call The Boop for help. 

As soon as he walked in, the water behaved itself.  It was glorious.  I thought maybe it just needed to warm up a bit, so I called false alarm.   I swear to Jesus Horatio, The Boop's hand was not off the door knob a second, and the water went ape shit.  Again.  

I turned the cold water on and rinsed as fast as I could.  Next time I come down here, I'm bringing a new shower head.   The devil head may have won this battle, but when I come at it with a wrench and rip it from the wall, I'm going to win the war. 

Please use the word in a sentence...

intromit [in-truh-MIT] -verb to introduce; to send, put or let in.

That's today's word of the day.  I've been getting dictonary.com's Word of the Day everyday, for about six months.   I thought it would help me expand my vocabulary.   I can honestly say, that six months and 152 new words later,  "fuck" is still the most commonly used word in my vernacular.   I'm pretty classy, I know.  Fuck it.

I picked up an extra 6 hours this morning at work.  I'm exhausted.  This is all I've got today.  I'm going to go intromit myself to my bed.  Intromit.

Thank you, sir! May I have another!?

The Boop and I had big plans for our date night.   Sushi, cocktails, fro-yo, and sexxxy time.   It was an absolutely beautiful night, downtown was bustling and BuddyBuddy was working the overnight, so we'd have the whole house to ourselves.  Game.  On.  

First, cocktails!   Landshark for him, sangria for me.  I know, I know.  Sake, sake, sake.  I don't like it.  Never did.  Not hot, not cold, not in a bomb.  Blech.   Japan can keep it!  

We started out with some shumai and edamame, then moved onto the main event.   Sushi and sashimi everywhere!  Tuna, salmon and crab, oh my!!   We went 3 rounds, including 2 Edison rolls.   What's an Edison roll, you ask?   Shrimp tempura, tuna and spicy crab.   You just gained a pound reading that.   And we had two.  It was so damn good I couldn't stop myself.   I can eat sushi & sashimi forever.   Om nom. 

During this fish fest, I managed to drink an entire bottle of sangria.   Yago.   It's delish, it's only $6, and apparently, it it quite easy to drink.   Which is all well and good, until you add 65lbs of sticky rice and raw fish on top of it.   It was time for the check, and time for The Boop to roll me down Main Street to the car.   Rain check on the fro-yo, please!

By the time we got home The Boop was whining it was past his bedtime, and I was blown up like a deer tick.  Yeah, we were pretty sexxxy alright.   We snuggled up and passed out within minutes.   Before midnight.   Animals we are!!  

Woke up today with NO hangover.  So we cashed in our rain check, and headed back downtown for fro-yo.   And another bottle of Yago.    Just in case.  

30 Minute Meals

Having BuddyBuddy move in was my idea.   My rationale was, his rent would help us out financially,  I wouldn't be alone all the time, and I would have someone around to kill bugs.  Our verbal agreement was he would pay 50 rupees a month, and buy his own groceries.   Deal?  Deal!

I noticed BuddyBuddy being very interested in when I was going to go grocery shopping, what I planned on buying, and suggesting we make a list.  We?  I'm sorry, do you have a mouse in your pocket?  I told him I wasnt sure when I would make it, and he should go buy whatever he needed; after all, the deal was 'buy your own groceries.'  He returned 2 hours later with RedBull, Chips Ahoy, 2 loaves of bread, and SmartFood Popcorn.   

So I go shopping, stocking up with whatever I'm going to need, minus produce, for the next month.  MONTH.  I thought a huge shop would illustrate what one needs to survive, he could take a few notes, and tackle the wild aisles of Shoprite like a champ.     I returned home, and wasn't in the house for 2 minutes before he came down upon my bright yellow shopping bags like a lion onto a gazelle.   Holy.  Shit.   "What should I make for dinner?.  I'll have chicken.  Oh, these vegetables look good.  Hm, how should I cook this?"  And then, he looked at me. I could see it in his eyes.  He not only had no idea how to conquer a grocery store, he had no idea what to do with the goods he would acquire.

During the next 30 minutes he watched, and "assisted" me in the preparation of 3 different meals:  my dinner (salmon, rice & broccoli to be packed for work),  my breakfast (an egg & bacon topped waffle),  and,  his dinner (chicken & mixed veggies in pasta with oil & garlic).    I don't think I've ever seen somebody so excited over basic sauteed chicken.   As an Italian woman, who knows her way around a chicken cutlet, it was beautiful.  Right then,  I knew.  I would groom my cub into a ferocious bachelor cooking machine!  (And as soon as that cooking machine can boil water without assistance, we'll revisit the grocery detail of the rental agreement.)  

Afterwards I decided I was so freaking awesome, I was going to change my windshield wipers! ALL BY MYSELF!   35 minutes later, I returned inside, defeated by my Hyundai.   Dear Korea, is this a trick!?!?!

Slug Life

I am so not feeling today. 

Put in Cardio Axe, lasted 11min.   Put in Bum Bum Rapido, made that 6 min.   It hurts to move.  

Looked through my coupon binder, to prep for some grocery shopping, and every goddamned coupon was expired.  Guess I did slack off a bit the past few weeks.  Look at all this wasted money.   So sad.

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is lay on the couch in my underwear, and watch BravoTv.   I don't think BuddyBuddy would appreciate that too much.  Or, maybe, he would appreciate it TOO much.  Either way,  I'm rethinking this roomie business.  BuddyBuddy is awesome, and he cleans up after himself, which is more than I can say for The Boop, but I really hate waking up, and putting on a bra.   I want to let my ladies free! 

Oh well, I'm off to Shoprite.  I think I'm going to walk through really slow.  Right down the middle of the aisles.   Just be a complete nuisance.   It's an asshole kinda day. 

Sweet fancy Moses!!

Yuuup.   That's pretty much what I look like doing BBL Cardio Axe video.   It's very much like Zumba.  And I am very much white.   I made it through the video, only stopping because I was too uncoordinated to get the steps down and literally tripped over myself.   I followed up with High and Tight, which was pretty awesome until what I like to call, the doggy-style torture.   It's as fun as it sounds.   Now, I'm walking around like a 75yo who just received a double hip replacement.  

The Boop called today, and proceeded to bust my chops about anything and everything for about an hour.   I'm so happy to see he's back to himself.   I was a little worried yesterday, he was so sad.   Today was a turning point for him, and he's feeling really good.   He's going to come home Friday night, and Saturday shall be a sushi date.   I'm going to shove so much soy soaked sticky rice in my face, I can't wait!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

I woke up this morning to a text from The Boop, "I"m at the academy....day 2.  59 more....."    So, I thought, if he's going to be getting his ass beat every day, then so am I.   I turned on the appleTV, tossed on an extra bra, grabbed a glass of water, and got ready.   Brazil Butt Lift, day one.

I chose the "too big" workout option, and yes that refers to my ass, not the workout.  Day 1 consisted of The Basics, and Bum Bum.  The basics was 15 minutes of move tutorials.   I'm not going to lie, a was a bit sore just from the tutorial.   No big deal though, these moves are challenging but not impossible.  I popped in Bum Bum, ready to go!

6 minutes in, I stopped.  I took a minute-ish break, and went back into it.   I stuck with the "Level 1" girls, and refrained from most of the arm movements.   I could just picture myself losing my balance, my teapot physique tipping over, and knocking myself out on the coffee table.  Sexxy.  I think I can be a video girl.   BuddyBuddy confirmed this thought, as he cheered me on from the couch.

I managed to make it 24 minutes of the 35 minute video before I had to tap out.   I stopped for little breaks 3 times.    Not my best performance, not my worst.  I'm happy with it.

I celebrated by devouring my favorite breakfast, relax it's 200 calories.   Then, I changed the water in the cooler.   Took half a roll of paper towels to clean up the floor.   59 days to go, indeed.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

It took me all of about 6 hours to realize I was being a whiney little bitch.

I saw The Boop when he got out of class.  He was covered in dirt and his hand looked like it just came through a meat grinder.   Apparently after 1 minute of being there, he busted his ass.   Then had to do push ups.  In gravel.   With his wounded wipe out hand, still bleeding.

I dropped him off and as I drove away to start my trek home, I realized: I had just left my man to spend his nights in a strangers house, on a futon, in a foreign town, only to wake up to spend his days speaking only when spoken to, running 5 miles as a warmup, and doing pushups in gravel.

What the fuck was I crying about?!?  I was driving home.  To my bed.  In my house.  With a kitchen freshly cleaned by BuddyBuddy.   And seriously, woman, your husband is 4hrs away.  He's not half way around the globe, in a desert.   You're going to see him on the weekends, and talk to him everyday.  GET A GRIP.

So, I drove to Wawa, got a RedBull, a Hershey bar, wiped the sand out of my vagina, and hit Rt. 2, noting a few things along the way:

Blinkers in MD are optional.
The speed limit in MD is just a suggestion.  Unless you're in a photo enforced zone.  Eeeeeeverybody behaves when Big Brother is watching.
Polarized sunglasses make a difference.
The Harbor Tunnel needs radio satellites.   The Lincoln and Holland both have it.  Get with it, Bmore!
Even at 80mph, Roxy gets 26mpg.  Sweet!
Delaware has the best rest stop.   And, you can get Bmore AND Philly radio stations.  Yay!
I have a lumbar support adjuster button thingie in my drivers seat.   That only took 2yrs to find.
I must invest in bug-off windshield wiper fluid.  ASAP.

The Single Newlywed is born

I've been sitting in this Panera in Waldorf, MD trying to compose an awesome first post, and I've realized two things:

1.  I have no clue where I am, and
2.  I've never blogged before, so this post is almost certainly going to suck. 

My husband, The Boop, and I met in 2007.  He followed me around like a lost dog, and  I COULD. NOT. stand him.  Fast forward almost 5 years and we're closing in on our first wedding anniversary, living 250 miles apart, and I'm a hot mess.

I waited forever to get married.  I wanted to make sure I had the perfect guy for me.  Now, not even 12 months after I locked down Mr. Perfect, he's moved out.   And, in the blink of an eye, I'm back to being, well, single.  Back to sleeping alone with all the lights on, cooking for one, pulling up my own Spanx, and navigating Costco on Saturday afternoon... alone.   Have you been to Costco on a Saturday, ALONE?   A tag-team partner is a necessity if you want to make it out with your heels intact! 

The Boop was offered a government job in Maryland, as a Fire Fighter/Paramedic.   We discussed it for a long time, and together decided it would be in the best interest of our future for him to accept the position.   Except, he had to go NOW.  With 4 weeks notice.   That leaves me in NJ, taking care of our home, job and apartment hunting in MD via the Worldwide Web, and living with a roommate for the first time in my life. 

He'll be in MD, attending a rigorous academy M-F, and living with 5 new roommates.  

Today was his first day.   I should've went home hours ago, but I've decided to stay until later tonight.  I should've just got in the car and driven off as fast as I could. I should've grabbed this new life by the balls and made it my bitch right from the start.   But I'm a masochist and have decided to wait around until after his class, to say goodnight.   I'll then surely drive home crying like a baby.  This will be our first night apart.

Lots of firsts today.   This will be my account of where all these firsts lead us.

Tootles,
VH